Maybe someone other than the mad hatter should have gone with him to the ER
we found his I.D. in the upstairs bathroom...under a towel in a hidden pile of snacks from her kitchen
It's a given that you're going to get peed on at a country concert
You described pouring milk in your strawberry cereal as a glittering magnificent water fall, skimming over the mountain and little strawberry citizens.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I gave the bathroom attendant $5 last night for turning the sink on for me. What. The. Fuck.
You forget how awesome toilet paper is until you have to wipe your ass with a piece of notebook paper...
I was thirsty after the sex and it was a long trek back to res so naturally I stole chocolate milk from his fridge as I left
Weird, Jen didn't know mixers were solely for coloring purposes. Don't call me an alcoholic because you're uneducated
I just sugar scrubbed my vagina. If I don't get laid tonight, me and the universe are gonna have some problems.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Your uterus is safe from my father's misconstrued prophecies.
Asking me to suck on my nipples isn't going to make me less mad at you.
Ok so I need a recap of last night...
YOU SPENT SIX DOLLARS AT NICKEL BEER NIGHT!!! How's that
All I know is when I asked you how many fingers I was holding up, you said "Hippo"
My Mormon mother just found a butt-plug in our AirBnB closet.
This may be the most redneck thing I've ever said, but I know all there is to know about farting dogs
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