my roommate just caught me washing a dildo in the sink.
i totally forgot about the coupon that said i would show him how i pleasure myself.
For real. Like, if I ever had to choose a last meal, I would just choose to get high and eat whatever was around.
Dating my ex's drug dealer.. best. revenge. ever.
This girl in the gym has an amazing body...too bad there's no workout routine for a face.
Um he just came into the kitchen naked to get her purse or something?
Honestly, it's not that easy picking a Saturday night outfit that can translate to Palm Sunday mass. Priorities.
She was wearing my robin hood hat from Halloween shouting "steal from the rich and give to the poor, mothafuckaaaaas." We are taking her everywhere.
Doing the walk of shame and bringing my dad a newspaper en route. Favourite daughter status confirmed.
How have I seen you throw up on yourself 3 different times, yet we weren't Facebook friends until I accidentally hooked up with your ex?
Burritos, beer, and hot tub sex. Merry Christmas to me.
Please tell me I did not drink enough whiskey to think that having sex with my boyfriend while his best friend was on the floor next to us was a good idea.
Are you rolling a joint while doing homework?
No, I am rolling a joint with my homework.
They picked up the lamp, held it aloft, and proclaimed apropos of nothing “this is going right up my ass”. LOUDLY
I feel really sorry for my toilet right now
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