is swine flu sexually transmttd?
Ha no, why?
sriously ive never had a hangovr this bad
And just as he was about to come, he screamed "Oh Christy!!"
What's wrong with that? Your name IS christy.
He then said, "Oh shit, sorry Julie."
A homeless guy asked you to feel your boobs, you accepted in exchange for his broom to go with your witch costume..... that's when I cut you off
This just in: I met a girl who does the phone sex phone lines, and shes' 5'4" 320. I'll never get a hardon again through a phone.
a bus full of elementary school kids may or may not have seen me pissing off my front porch this morning
It went from "haha, this will be funny" to "full blown anime porn fetish"
My cleaning lady broke my bubbler. It's awkward between us now.
Why?
Because she knows I do drugs and I know she's a clumsy bitch.
Make sure your heart doesn't explode. These are words of wisdom.
I love that your last three texts to me were "Drunk." "Getting laid." "In the hospital."
You know you're a whore when you color code your calendar with who you slept with on what day incase you have ANOTHER pregnancy scare
just saw a guy snowshoeing to the liqour store
was it you?
...yes
Lesson learnt. Sex toy cleaning spray is not an acceptable substitute to clean your glasses with.
I just tinder matched with a blue angels pilot. I need to make out with him. For America.
I tried to order dominos and couldn't but I accidentally placed an order for this morning. I knew I did it last night and was gonna call and cancel this morning but honestly it's coming in 30 minutes and I need it
Jus had a dream that I borrowed bob dylans car to save us from a pack of raptors. Pretty stoked about it.
Randomize
