it seems as if every mistake i've ever made in life i've had an errection in one hand and a bud light in the other
I just changed her number in my phone to "You Wouldn't If You were Sober"
its 4:30 pm. In the mall. Just threw up into my hands. I love Vegas and Vegas loves me
I don't talk to her anymore. I lit her birthday presents on fire. Who the fuck puts candles that close to tissue paper?
Remind me to tell you the one about the cashier that wouldn't sell me Jim Beam and NyQuil.
she's living proof man. somebody has literally pissed in the gene pool
booty call birthday vouchers, best idea ever. it's like giving a present to myself for someone else's birthday.
He turned off the music when i walked in and introduced me to everyone. then they gave me jager and made me chug it while holding a giant purple dildo. everything resumed when i finished
I feel like a food baby is going to burst from my stomach and eat all the leftovers until another food baby rips out of its stomach. And so on. It's truly a merry Christmas.
We have six bottles of wine and we are at target buying baby oil to grease up the sleds with, just in case you're interested.
I need to find out this kids work schedule. I need mustache rides on my lunchbreaks.
I asked my boss to leave early for a booty call. She said yes. See.... everyone sees it's important I get laid.
Getting free blow from a total stranger, who asked permission to stroke my eyebrows, was the highlight of my evening out. Also, I have a new cuddle dealer.
And I'm sorry for punching you in the face when I drunkenly threw my sandwich
How am i even supposed to meet his daughter? "Hi, Claire, I hear we have so much in common, like we both love your Dad and also we're almost the same age."
Randomize
