The girl behind me at the dollar store said couldn't wait to get her permit, then requested a pregnancy test. God I love being home.
and ill be dreaming of you. not in a creepy way, but in an inappropriate way
you handed me the dorito you were about to eat and told me to 'keep him safe' while you went to the bathroom
The twins are whispering in turkish together. I think I did something bad last night.
Just found a pic on my phone of you on squatting on the hood of a police car about to take a dump. Care to explain what happened last night?
I may or may not have just ruined a marriage. But in my defense I got all my drinks for free tonight.
Sorry I need more motivation then McDonalds and mojitos.
The psychic I saw today told me NOT to text the guy I haven't heard from yet since our first date this weekend b/c it wouldn't go anywhere...Miller light said otherwise. Miller light > Cleo
They're playing house music in my dentists office again, wtf is wrong with these people. That's not the music you want to get a root canal to
I just swiped right for a guy on Tinder solely because it looked like he was holding Zoboomafoo
you are the root of all my greats nights and my worsts decisions
Just paid for birth control in all ones do you think she is judging me?
The amount of guys I've turned down for you is disgusting... You better love me.
I feel like I'm a car that keeps getting Bacardi 151 instead of fuel
You're a FUCKING ASSHOLE. Love mom
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