I see an opportunity for you to use your nakedness to cure my boredom.
We George Forman grilled some girls phone last night.
I woke up to her vacumming the grass
How do you get a 7 on a pregnancy test?
She only remembers me when she's drunk. It's like I'm a suppressed memory that only surfaces with alcohol.
Left my card at the bar and had a drunk girl climb on the hood of my running car to scream at me.
I wanna introduce you to my balls, Thunder and Lightning.
Ok there's 63 pics of you jerking it on my camera from New Years. The time stamps say it took you 40 min to get there too. See a doc, your only 22.
Found an old burrito under my bed
You are a sick fuck
I told the person I was on the phone with to hold on while I looked for my phone. I think it's time to stop doing dabs.
I need five more minutes of sobbing.. AND THEN I will get back to studying
Drunk wound on my leg hast healed and neither has my dignity
I went out with a plan. I came home with a Brian. THIS WAS NOT PART OF THE PLAN.
He was really cute! And I know but it's just like getting my fix ya know? He's basically a human vibrator.
Our house drank 90 beers yesterday afternoon before 8pm so add that to the list