my mom just threw water on me to get me awake and is screaming "where is my fucking car?!"
you gave me a ride last nite what the hell did you do with it after you left me?
you tried to arm wrestle for the title of "mom's favorite son"
My valentine's day: watching The Notebook, and porn, eating chocolate, and ice cream. All while jacking off.
Wow... you've managed to cover all of the sad girl stereotypes that exist.
The story about him having a girlfriend changed real fast when he found out that I was a gymnast
I love watching the kids I sold drugs to score touchdowns
I decided that I do the same thing when i'm drunk with every guy who has a girlfriend...lecture them on how bad cheating is, then hook up with them. I'm like good cop, bad cop.
yeah people on the adjacent balcony, Im naked drinking outside in 0 degree weather at 1pm. got a problem?
the question is "speedos?" and the answer is "yes".
True life. I have to get a nose job due to a deviated septum from blowing coke. Thank you college.
How could you give up sex for lent? I gave up religion for lent years ago and never looked back. Or give up civility, not sex.
I'm sorry but I require more work than your hamster. I need food, a minimum of 5 pillows, and I need to be played with daily.
According to my snapchat story, I tore a fake wig off a security guard and ran away with it.
Is that your mom climbing in your window dude
I want to respect them as people, but really I just want to have sex with them.
You were laying on the floor coloring a "get well soon' card for your liver...
Randomize