When I masturbate I pretend my dick is the slap chop an I'm destroying vegtables. Do you think that's a eating disorder?
Worst part was I had to fart super bad and didn't want to ruin the room so I farted in a pillow and threw it under the bed.
She made me go with her to get a pregnancy test since she's missed a few birth control pills. She made me park in the "expectant mothers" spot at CVS and preceded to ask if it would be in the pest control section.
You said I was the most beatiful preggers youve ever seen...im not pregnant
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I woke up with a crunchy, pink Pepto streak through my hair, no recollection of the last 6 hours of my night and the feeling that all the hotel's staff knew me on a first name basis.
We've made a drinking game out of how many times the tornado sirens go off. We're good at tornado safety.
Just learned how to deliver a baby.the things i saw tonight can never be unseen
it's all just a bunch of faces and i remember what the floor looked like.
Is it sad I don't want to go buy $1 Mac-n-cheese cause I need to pay rent... I'm re-naming this college.
Also, peanut butter on a spoon dinner is back in existence and it is good.
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I've hit an all time low of asking baristas what would go good with marshmallow vodka. I think I might hire one to party with all of us. To make hangover drinks
I'm going on a new diet. It's called the "eat healthy otherwise boys won't want to have sex with your fat ass" diet. Wish me luck.
I am not betting on the failure of any friend that is not you.
You walked up to me, grabbed my face and said "I just peed in the sink!"
So shaving my butt whilst humming "be prepared" is now in my top five weirdest Friday night activities.
I was sending him tit pics while watching how to train your dragon 2. It was everything.
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