So tired and we had a cokehead in the salon today making us bleach her whole head because she thought it would let her pass her drug test for custody of her kid
Oh.My.God.
I just showed my tits to my brother on chatroulette. Could my life get any worse?
You came in at two thirty, wearing your underwear and a tie then asked where you could find a sombrero and a pair of stilletos that would fit your men's size thirteen feet.
I just got fire extinguished by his roommate while we were having sex. That's just taking cock blocking to a whole new level.
he was fingering me, then looked down and said "i like your socks"
Ps. I feel like I may pee myself this weekend. Either drunkenly or out of excitement. Toss up
Im about to get a baby alligator stoned, what are you doing with your life?
$645 later, she's throwing up in my washroom and asking for a cab. Hooker are soooo much cheaper.
My vday gift was a joint bouquet, Finding Nemo on bluray, and a good shower fuck.
Um, WHAT A FUCKING KEEPER!
I forgot I did whipits. Probably because my brain cells were killed from the whipits
Boobs have been pretty central in my life somehow lately which makes me question if I am truly gay
I'm sorry for getting drunk and throwing a robo-bird at you.
He literally said from now on he's always banging chicks with asthma becuas it's such an ego booster
God doesn't care if you're a paramedic, you can't do that to someones cat and still get into heaven
When was the last time you got laid?
When was the last time you came home sober?
touche
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