I am apparently in rockville maryland. I just threw up my tater tots I had fro brunch in a safeway parking lot. Then ordered a pizza. Pepperoni and pineapple. I'm sitting in the parking lot, next to my barf, waiting for my pizza. WOOF. Someone just gave me an oxycontin tab. Can u come get me? I'm scared
I reminded them that I didn't puke and I cleaned yours up! So huh!
My dog fell asleep in his puke last night. He's only 5 weeks old and has more in common with my friends than I do.
You gave him your vagina and this is what I get in return? This is bullshit!
its raining. im dressed as yoda and im trick or treating alone. and i wonder why im still a virgin..
He DELETED brick breaker off his blackberry why even bother trying to find something in common?
I love how you are more concerned with what i call my penis than the fact i wanna bone some high school chicks
His sister just told me that she thinks i'm a stupid bitch and that by going thru with this I'm ruining his life.
sounds like a hell of a rehearsal dinner
and my souvenir for the night was a nice ambulance blanket
Just sharpening my eyeliner with a butterfly knife. You know. Typical weekday morning.
Well we get the HIV results on my birthday haha. It'll be like happy birthday kid, you have AIDS.
The guy had great intentions when throwing us free beer off the balcony... but of course I was the one to get hit in the face because that's the kind of luck I have
Dear God, please let me get my period. And if this one is fiercer than usual I completely understand.
'allo, good sire. how dost thy day goeth?
oh no. you're at that weird Renaissance Festival thing again, aren't you?
I am an inebriated elf. you may fucketh off.
My ex is stopping by while he’s working tonight after delivering a pizza to fuck me, then going back to work at Pizza Hut. This is what my life has become.
Randomize
