Telling her that my penis is called megatron was not a good idea for a first date.
For some reason, Oliver from Hannah Montana reminds me of pudding.
That's cute.
I'll be waiting for you under the stairs with peanut butter and tequila ... Don't tell the neighbors
just a heads up, there may or may not be a mailbox full of the leftover beer on the table in your basement.
Yeah, sam & jessica were trying to have sex and you walked in & started coaching them through it with a fake hulk hogan mustache on.
He is so amazingly handsome. I just wanna fuck every shred of decency out of him.
It feels kinda weird thanking you for sucking my dick, but I just don't know what else to do right now
Post-sex nachos deserve a song.
how did operation slutty penguin go?
pretty epic. there was a guy who was also dressed as a penguin. i asked him if he would keep my eggs warm while i went fishing for the winter
Guess I'll put him on my to-do list too. But closer to the bottom since we dated before. That's almost unethical.
Oh, AND I met a ukulele teacher that I'd date. So there's that.
Go to hungover. Go directly to hungover. Do not pass go. Do not collect 200 dollars
The girl I was Skype sexing just asked for a moment of silence for robin Williams.
I maxed out my credit card last night on powdered donuts and beef jerky
I just drunkenly accidentally had sex with my boss
Did you at least ask for a raise?
No but I am now the owner of one of either his or his roomate's teeshirts... Maybe I can use it to negotiate?
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