Well you will be happy to know that aaron carter hit on me
I am a mess. Weirdest thing: I woke up with a hammer under my pillow. No idea why.
I slept with a married guy last night and then broke my toe on the doorframe on the way out. I've never seen karma work so fast.
They're letting me teach a freshman-laden class now. This university needs better background checks.
Bailing my boss from jail at five in the morning.. If thats not a promotion I don't what is.
Just applied for assistance with paying my hospital bill from my alcohol poisoning at age 16 while still a little drunk from last night. What is my life.
Circle of life?
I was going down on her and she started whistling "Whistle while you work." I'm in love.
What is it about fresh air and wanting to talk about penises
Hey.... can you explain to me why when I woke up this morning my cell phone background had been changed to me getting a piggy back ride from a drag queen?
I just walked in on my dad beating it.. There's not a fucking therapist in ARKANSAS that can help me with that!
We're going through the drive-through at mcdonalds while pulling sam behind us in the wheelchair and having them hand him the food. Let me know how this went in the morning
I legit just quacked out loud at a duck on campus. Realized after that there were people around me, they looked at me funny...
the girl who hid my weed when the cops came has a birthday coming up. i feel like i should get her something.
He may have been a dick but he DID give me his Netflix log in. Maybe some good did come of it.
oh what is to come when my single life starts with a threesome?
Randomize
