I kissed a girl and did not like it. Now I hate Katy Perry even more.
Apparently I added "small children" to my likes on facebook. glad to know that's where my subconscious is at.
Beer is about to convince me to do something really stupid.
the people going to church this morning while i was walking home did not seem as pleased as i was with how many beads i earned last night
I just woke up in a puddle of boob sweat. Definitely time to consider a reduction.
mowing the lawn. still drunk. If my dad doesn't appreciate this I swear I'm dissowning everyone including him
he told me not to treat him like a child and then started peeing off the trampoline
I'm lonelier than Tom Hanks in Cast Away, right meow. Ready to make this bong my Wilson.
In preparation for st patty's day I finally had a shamrock shake, and I invested in an app that will apparently keep me from drunkenly texting you pictures of my tits this weekend. Please let me know if you want to not be put on the "forbidden" list!
Sunrise bitch. You owe me waffles
Apparently I'm the last girl he had sex with. That was over a month ago. If he can go that long without sex then he's clearly not the guy for me
the only good thing about going home with him was that he was prettier than me.
Guys always stop talking to me right around the point that if they bought me food a couple times I would probably have sex with them.
He just pulled a Spanish chick using google translate!!!! We are at the bar and she speaks zero English. Hes a fucking magician!!!!!!
She handed me scissors and told me that they were the ones with the lowest probability of having been used to trim someone's pubes.
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