nothing says happy birthday like half a tampon wrapped in someone else's hair on your shoulder.
I just saw a girl wearing a flannel shirt that would make 1992 cringe
I don't know what kind of drugs you were on last night but you kept trying to highlight my face because you said I was important
I'm always impressed by your drunken ability to quickly gauge how long it's been since you've shaved and whether or not your prospective hook up will care.
her night didn't end so well, both of her boyfriends got arrested... together.
You need 4-7 business day to recover from a fingering like that.
Either I'm spending too much time drinking or my perfume is starting to smell like a pineapple vodka.
It's the only time I've ever felt manly shitting myself
I wish I could just hang out in ERs.
michael burned off one of his eyebrows making a pizza so he had to shave off the other one to make it look even. it doesn't look right, but I'd still bang him.
i made up my own drinking game and i took a secret shot every time someone asked me about school or my future
I got punched in the face by a Cowboy last night. Then he bought me a beer cause o convinced security not to kick him out the bar. Start of a fairytale love story? I think so.
He came over to use the microwave, said he needed to heat up some urine.
She had an asthma attack and had to stop but insisted on getting me off. It's official she's the one
Visiting my great uncle went well. The highlight of the evening was when he said, "Oh my god. I'm 79 and I'm teaching 18 year old kids how to roll a joint."
Randomize
