Sometimes I forget to take my socks off when I masturbate. This always makes me feel like I'm accidentally in a porn.
he's a bartender at a gay strip club. maybe he can work his magic. with getting u in, not gay magic.
I woke up with the wrong plaid-shirted guy in my bed.
Besides, I'm not in my 30's. I'm still allowed to drink wine from a bag.
i mean, we fucked on the futon in the garage where his band practices. pretty sure im now obligated to like his band on facebook.
Is there a card that says "Sorry I got drunk at your Christmas party and tried to steal your monogrammed hand towels so that I could give you something nice for Christmas"?
So my girlfriend used a threesome to tell me she wanted to leave me for a girl... Not entirely sure how I should feel about that.
I just had a brazillian performed by a hungarian named olga. Im pretty sure she was trying to rip out my soul. You owe me a million orgasms
I totally just found ecstasy floating around in the bottom of my purse, it's almost like good karma from the time I lost that blow...but not quite
It is. We should just be drunk all the time forever everything is like just 90% more perfect
Oh no that was the time I did the walk of shame with no shoes
I wonder what dick looks like without astigmatism?
Wanna see if we can get cut off at bdubs again? The same hipster manager that is younger than us is working again
I want you to know. From the bottom of my heart, that you are a great friend, a beautiful person, and one of my favorite people in this world. But if you ever send me that many messages again at 4am I swear to God, I will push you in from of a fast running rhino
You have such a talent for this
Friendship, or finding weed?
Yes
Randomize
