You told me alcohol would be the death of you then ordered 10 shots of tequila.
also I just used a straw to drink the juice out of a tomato b/c I forgot how to bite.
Only I could do what I did last night and feel perfectly ok working around children the next day
Apparently I whispered "Jesus was here" and bailed out of the moving taxi.
I just got released from jail. still in my kilt. bring pants damnit. they won't understand.
pants will make it better? really?
Can you pick me up a bottle of make-an-ass-of-myself tonight?
Do you want cuervo gold or silver?
Hey is there a picture of me in a trash can on your phone?
He texted me at 2am telling me to come get my American flag from his place, if that's not code for sex idk what is
I expected better sex from someone with the word CHAOS tattooed above his dick. But on the bright side, he was down to watch a documentary on Honey Badgers afterwards so I guess I'll keep him around.
the amount of 23-year-old guys who have seen me naked is starting to get a little worrying
Nothing says depression like laying in your bed stoned, naked, and eating a cupcake
He put his SoundCloud on his Tinder bio. I felt personally attacked.
the cops drove by and you were on your back in the middle of the side walk with your arms and legs in the air yelling that you were a dead bug .
Highlight your past hook-ups. You've been stabbed, shot at, run over, and chased down the road...no you can't bring new bar bitch over here!
Dude she has a friend!!!!
I was so drunk I got motion sickness from sex.
Randomize
