Your dad's facebook is ejaculating midlife crisis all over my minifeed
in case you blackout.. this is confirmation that yes, you were sitting spread eagle on the kitchen floor chugging pickle juice out of the jar.
Don't make this awkward for me. Don't let your mom come near the bathroom. I can't meet your mom for the first time while I'm shitting. Dont make this awkward.
A stranger just came up to me and asked why I hadn't texted him, and if he was just a one night stand. I live for these moments.
take 2 Ambien then drink a Red Bull and watch Alice in Wonderland. Trust me.
If you get me so fucked up I can't use the microwave , I'm going to be so mad at you
I totally just stopped for a booty call on the way to my parents for easter....good friday is an understatement
It's like sexual waterboarding. You gave me sex so good I'm comparing it to torture. Jesus.
Lack of response to this text gains you a half hour of freedom before I initiate operations to conclude you are not, in fact, comatose. You requested no mercy.
I think I passed out drunk at my own jewelry party
I look at it as community service. He was going through a rough time and I gave him an ego boost. That's how we're going to remember it. I was doing a good deed lol
I just realized, you're dating a guy named Jameson. That is another level of whiskey dick.
Sorry for not calling you back. I got drunk and passed out on the kitchen floor. I just found my phone in the shower.
Only if I get to be Gritty
How would you be Gritty for a fantasy hockey league?
Don't worry about it.
What you have to understand is that our lives aren't a disappointment so much as they crashed and burned with lethal doses of radiation and dog shit.
Randomize
