he poured tabasco sauce in my vag.. I'm still having a hard time going to the bathroom.
just had sex with a midget and didnt wrap it... were totally gonna have a tv show :)
Im sitting next to shitfaced santa at the cuse game. My plan to be on television is now flawless
NEVERCLEAR, NEVER AGAIN.
I can hear her blowing you man. All I hear is her saying 'yeah' over and over again.
College is a time for personal growth. Meaning it's time to start using those pickup lines on randos at dive bars.
If your mother gets up on the bar again, I will. The bouncer already had a talk with her earlier.
Just saw Santa sitting on a restaurant patio drinking beer and using his free hand to gesture to cars that he's watching them
She's working this semester. Her dad saw he was listed as 'the atm' on her phone and cut off tuition for three months.
I couldn't stop laughing at the fact he was cutting lines with a sears card. What 24 year old has a sears card?
Do you think this 2 hour Amazon delivery thing works on vibrators? Cause that would be clutch
Just shared a bacon biscuit with my cat.... Life is weird for me right now
I have booze and I wanna give you a bj. How can you be mad at me?
Would you be opposed to me keeping a live lobster in the shower for a bit?
she just sent our roommates a message asking them for a parakeet. are you gonna call later?
Randomize
