Asian chick on skype stripping for me. Hold on give few min
you started texting yourself and saying they were "divine messages from heaven" then you threw up on stacie's piano.
He dated me before I started drinking. I feel like he deserves a consolation bj for all the effort he had to put in to get in my pants.
this is the second time in my life i thought i might need to go to rehab. im including all the mornings that i wake up in dewey beach as "the first time"
I just puked so hard I pissed myself. Outta my ass. I just won hangover of the century.
Holy crap, church bells in Cibolo just scared the hell out of me. I'm pretty sure they were yelling sinner at me.
It's okay I didn't send any nudes tonight so we are safe *inserts photo of a baseball umpire doing the safe signal*
Painting strippers breast and vaginas to look like easter eggs. What r u doing tonight.
I wanna borrow his axe at this point and cut my head open just to relieve some pressure
I did not pay that kind of money so that It could be hidden. that bra needs to shine in glory so that it can be seen by the world.
The last thing I remember is being given a cup full of absinthe and deciding I needed to wear my tool belt
You were returned to the hotel by someone wearing a priest costume and carrying knives.
Can we be gay Bert and Ernie for Halloween?
Yeah. We had phone sex then cried together, it was beautiful and heartbreaking
I don't know if I'm more disturbed by the fact that you hooked up with a dude with one arm, or that "hook up with a dude with one arm" was on your bucket list.
My life is far to together for someone who's such a hot mess inside
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