nothing tight i'm going to stuff myself with food and alchy
You can tell a man will be prosperous by the power of his farts- A fart that can shake the room is a voice that can change the world.
And we will make penis cookies and eat them suggestively
Pizza is the life boat of my drunk Titanic
I'm sick of being broke. I had vicodin and frosting for lunch.
He bought me shots at the bar as his way of of paying me back for Plan B
Counseling BFF to break up with her BF. We will get that 3-way
Sorry I pissed in your dining room and kicked your best friend in the face while he was passed out.
this lady just pulled corn on the cob out of her purse
People like that make this world a better place.
He had bigger boobs than me last night and we both weren't wearing a bra so it was a fair judgement
after you left he started opening his bottles by smashing the neck against the edge of the fireplace and pouring beer into his mouth. it was about the manliest thing ive ever seen. its probably how lumberjacks open their beers... if they didnt have their axes handy.
Would it be wildly inappropriate for me to tailgate a Jonas brothers concert?
Hey how're your balls?
Don't ever let me helicopter again.
Oh don't mind my cushion, I got plowed in the ass by a freight train last night
Best news I’ve heard all day. Cookies and dick. What more could a girl ask for?
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