I've been reduced to Capt. Morgan and Golden Girls reruns. Ugh.
Michael Jackson had a heart attack when he found out boyz to men was a music group not a delivery service.
i slept with her, drove her to her sisters house to babysit, and then drove around the block where i met her sister and had sex with her in my van. I'm family Friendly!
I need a burrito and a hug.
Also, I found out that my dad has the name of every boy that I've ever dated and their physical description, car type and tag number stored in his computer.
Apparently Angela went missing once and he says he learned were to look first and that it's best to have information on hand.
I mean there are things broken right and left, I woke up surrounded by dog statues, and we had a vodka bubble bath.
I'm pretty sure I just need an IV drip of Plan B at this point...
He was hammered and shot his pistol into the lawn. Next thing I know sheriffs are at our house with M4s. He likes to party
My sweat smells like Wild Turkey. I'm really feeling the holiday spirit.
Drunk me commented on almost all of her pictures. My favorite one is titled "be as the sea". My comment is "cold, rough, large and letting anyone come inside you. you accomplished." Guessing I'm not invited to the party anymore.
I'm still questioning who dropped me off last night. So successful wedding?
THERE ARE SO MANY HOT DADS AT WHOLE FOODS
Did you pee in the oven last night??
You proposed a left ass cheek firmness contest and got a surprising number of contestants. Then you ruined it by groping someone who wasn't playing and awarding them first place.
I don’t want to brag, but vows, morals and will power are no match for my blow job skills
Randomize
