he was screaming in a recently acquired accent that he paid for delivery and they could cancel the entire order if they didn't come upstairs
I thought you said it was going to get worse not hilarious.
the delivery boy turned out to be my students mother. now she knows that i have incredibly low standards AND thanks to the fact that he still has dialup the pizza tracker was way off and she rang the bell and he answered mid bong rip.
Washing the last semen-stained shirt you have really solidifies a breakup. It just got real.
Reggie can tackle my bush.
Someones car got stolen, everyone is yelling, and im drunk just sayin yeah buddy over and over again
i am literally watching eva make a trashbag diaper for you to sleep in tonight. whole new level of low for you.
I stumbled into my living room at 4 a.m. to find him hurling my laptop across the room and his pants around his ankles. Clearly his night didn't go as planned.
3 for 3 on getting girls who say "yolo" at the bar to have anal. Not the motto I live by, but it has changed my life.
Erry day erry day!
On a scale of 1 to "bad descision", where does stealing my racist neighbors dog and giving him my roomates dildo for a chew toy rate?
If you happen to tell anybody my drunk story in the near future, please refrain from telling them about me shitting myself. People are getting the wrong idea and random people are messaging me on Facebook making fun of me for that
Topenga is going to be back on TV. Finally my fantasy of her being a milf in junior high has come full circle.
Just an FYI if we break up I'm going to sleep with your cousin or who ever my dealer is.
Just got your message from Saturday. Shove all the kittens down your pants? Really?
I was emotionally compromised.
But I mean how many guys can say they get blow jobs and grilled cheese with football
"He didn't answer my snap so I know he's arrested"
I don’t care how cute or big a guy is I’m done with drunken hand jobs. It was like I was pulling a nine inch bungee cord for 25 minutes. Now My arm and shoulder is dead
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