My Blind Date Arrived. She looks like something I'd draw with my left hand.
We walked in and they were fucking to Somewhere Over the Rainbow... I need a new roommate.
once you started introducing yourself as "running-bear" i knew you were beyond fucked up
You're doing that 'overestimating how much I care' thing again.
My only regret is not throwing up on the conveyor belt in the dining hall
Show him your tits if he says no
They're not help-me-out-of-jams tits. They're I-fake-people-into-thinking-they-look-good tits.
We found her on a strangers doorstep chanting "I know someone will let me in" it took 2 of us to drag her to the car.
So I think I might just embrace the awkwardness and say he fingerblasted her cause thats the greatest word in existence
Dude, you left ME alone in your house. With your fully-stocked wine cellar. Why would you do that to yourself?
i am laugh crying so hard the guy next door stopped playing guitar
When you say shenanigans does that mean I should bring birth control?
Think I have the only job where I can be naked in a room with my manager at work. Apart from hookers
Don't judge me. It's a Monday night and I can eat burritos in while bathing in the kitchen sink if I want to.
I told him it was fine and then I keyed his car.
I need mimosas to revive my soul
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