you know whats awesome about this morning. A suprise visit from my dad at 7:30 am. There was a pair of heels on the lawn and a girl sleeping in just her underwear on the floor of my living room. He either thinks im a champion or a total fuck up. I'm thinking fuck up but im hoping champion.
I'm at the psychiatrist, and this lady is crazy.. she keeps yelling about how her HMO insurance gave her breast cancer? Adderall isn't worth this.
Been drinkin since 3, wearing a tutu, how could things go wrong
we went through the mcdonalds drive through and you asked for a free sample of their fries to see how you liked them.
I just dumped out my gym water bottle and filled it with white wine. This is the end.
I made him tell me how he proposed to his wife before I'd bang him. I have a problem.
I just discovered the Reese's pieces and sourdough bread sandwich. No signs of coming down.
last night he took my thong off with his teeth... god bless champagne
I thought you were single?
I am. But thats cuz no one wants to marry shame and regret doused in tequila. But thanks for reminding me ya dick.
I mean, yeah, she was cheating on me but I've been fucking her brother. My secret relationship trumps her secret relationship.
So aparently telling your roommate you're going to spoon them so hard in the public place of their employment is inappropriate
Yeah her jello shots are the next closest thing to a lethal injection. That potent.
you made out with another girl for some wings
I've sent two unsolicited tit pictures in less than 24 hours. I'm the female version of a fuckboy.
Something in me snapped and now I’m just googling famous vegans.
Randomize
