There are thorn wounds on my balls, don't ever question my dedication to party again
you spent the like half the night trying to figure out the puzzles on the back of the captn crunch box
Oh you're gonna love this story. I almost cut off a little girl's pony tail.
There is a good chance that the other night after a wedding reception i was at that i mailed you a drink coaster.
It's taking 3 penises to fill the hole he left in my heart.
By "met a doctor" I really mean "fucked a pre med student"
An open call to all exes! i have a drunk text policy that requires i delete any and all texts after drink 3, however i have reason to believe i have done something stupid. if i have texted you that "I love you", "miss you" and/or conveyed any interest in getting back together with you in the last 24 hours i was belligerent and lying. That is all.
Okay. thanks for sacraficing your body and risking aids for our snowcone business.
I'm not even mad. I was just trying to get a boner, you're the one that had to see that
I'm going as your incestuous sister. If thats not the perfect winglady I don't know what is.
You can't just be this socially awkward and sexually frustrated and jealous as a fucking demon and be expected to stay sober.
I have this vague feeling that I was involved in a dance off with a homeless man?
Wanna have a sleepover and take me to court in the morning?
it was cool until he whispered 'sounds like you need a good dicking' with a completely serious face and i just lost it
I know it's wrong but I'm human. Now get over here, tie me up, feed me pizza and Fuck the crazy out of me. Please.
Randomize
