It is pretty awful out and I still haven't put on pants yet.
So I have to go swallow an entire zebra. Ur on ur own girl.
I have to brush my teeth today to feel like I did something.
We removed her tutu and her cape, so there's no risk of her strangling herself.
You peed in the parking lot while a car was was waiting behind us. And when people walked by you proceeded to say "careful you might slip"
He specifically said I couldn't post the picture of him passed out naked except for a strategically placed washcloth. Where's the fun in that?
YOU'RE MARRIED. TO OTHER PEOPLE.
I expected better sex from someone with the word CHAOS tattooed above his dick. But on the bright side, he was down to watch a documentary on Honey Badgers afterwards so I guess I'll keep him around.
Men are too sensitive. They need to learn to handle me.
So I couldn't find Leif..... He fell asleep in our closet upstairs trying to get changed into warmer clothes
Oh man I wish I could've gotten a picture of how many anti-circumcision stickers are on this Prius
like when you break up with someone your virginity slowly starts to grow back & when it's done it's like ding ding ding you're ready to date again
You had all day to plan ahead & get mixers, so whose fault is this sobriety?
I told him I was going outside to throw up and I ended up passing out in the front yard in my underwear for 45 minutes. When I walked back inside he said "where have u been?". My husband ladies and gentlemen
How weird is it that 2 people I've had sex with have the same birthday and they don't even know each other
You know you started drinking too early in the day when you have a hangover at midnight
thats called having FUN
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