I threw up under water while wearing a hockey helmet last night. Awesome.
and that's when the elephants and penises started dancing on the ceiling
nobody understood you. You kept speaking french and hiding shit in your boobs
why do guys feel they can ask questions when im blowing them? you'd think they'd know my answer will always be "mmhmhmhmmm"
Nothing says Christmas like gin and tears.
You love me.
That's because, tragically, I adore whores.
No, i know about the eggs and penis, the oh wow was for the fire
The a/c is broken so they cut a softball size whole in the freezer door. Goodbye deposit.
So im guessing you dont remember the walk home, where you layed down in the alley and began to sing "threes company too" and when i told you to get up you had the nerve to tell me i was to drunk.
You will never truly trust yourself until you have shaved your armpits, legs, and vagina in the dark.
Dude I'm at a Marijuana dispensary party. They are giving away BAGS of edibles
How do you keep ending up in these situations?
My dad is their accountant
It's just great that Easter is on 4/20 this year. Now everyone can enjoy the Easter egg hunts. And being around my whole family.
I went to Christian school in the 90s. I can finger blast anything, but dignity.
Alas, I cannot find a male suitor sharing my affinity for sport culture who will both manhandle me and treat me with the respect a young Hillary supporter wants and deserves
So many people have told me I have great tits tonight, I'm unstoppable
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