I believe that I finger-banged my way to the top of the corporate ladder.
I went to go pee and found a strand of your hair wrapped around my penis.
So I just googled the ten commandments... Were fucked.
i just made a "things you cannot forget to do this week just because you're high" list.
Just got a event reminder on my phone to never party with you again.
I want to let you in on my two latest life goals. Have a photograph of me squirting whipped cream into a midget's mouth, and have sex on a roof.
I was basically shocked at how calmly you accepted my violently shoving a french fry in your mouth.
I'm just trying to absorb as much of the fluids from the carpet as I can.
The guy behind me is talking about how his life goal is to use his knowledge of mathematics to make the world a better place. My only life goal right now is getting through this lecture without throwing up in my lap.
Remember that time we turned a can of Axe body spray into a flame thrower?
my mom snuck into my room, washed her clothes and made her breakfast. what the fuck she's a better boyfriend than I am
It's not Christmas until you get a photo from an ex wearing a Santa hat and red boxers... And then you just respond with, "nope."
My booty call made my bed while I was in the shower. I may have to marry him.
just had sex in a stairwell with six feet five inches worth of drama
Literally just stood behind a guy in line at Walmart get his card declined when he attempted to purchase condoms. That's rock bottom.
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