Sometimes I find that I've been touching my boob(s) without even realizing it.
the beat of "birthday sex" is shockingly similar to my dry heaving rhythm. it's making me nauseous all over again.
I'm inventing beer flavored vodka. This raspberry shit makes me feel like a pussy.
This is why i like single justin better. my only regret is not being present for more of his short life. may he rest in peace
Some guy dressed like Santa just handed me a bottle of tequila. I NEVER WANT TO LEAVE CANCUN
If I don't survive tonitght I would like to thank you for the ricekrispy treats. I am majestic
I greatly enjoy being related to her. Even if is it only by a penis.
Bringing families together since 1987
So... Really random... You know we only exist cause Dad misspelled 'perseverance', right?
The lady at the Humaine Society gave me her nephew's number because I seem like a loving and caring person.
Does she know that each time you've adopted a new cat in the past year it's because some guy stopped fucking you and you don't want to eat your feelings?
Help me. My dealer just asked me to have a child with him. Sat me down for a heart to heart "he's almost 40 and losing his shit cause he's single and wants babies" talk. How the fuck am I supposed to feel about this????
Did we smoke in a portapotty last night? And if so, do you think the brown stuff covering my body is actually dirt?
We finally gave up searching because everything had started to look like flip flops
How was your weekend?
My girlfriend decided the best way to get my mind off of my dog dying was to break up with me via text
He ate me out on the front lawn of the post office. The people in the office across the road definitely got a show!
Not going to make it tonight. Some cougar at the bar just told me she has dibs on my dick.
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