I wanna eat
then frost
then eat your cupcake
based on the size of her vibrator, i'm going to be a huge disappointment
oh good. ive just found out that i went downstairs at 6 am still blacked out and had a 30 minute conversation with my mom about the different ways to feed our dog
so yeah i told her you were going to become a doctor and the first thing she said was "i still don't want to fuck him". i tried.
Just spent the last three hours in the library successfully refreshing facebook
At this point do you think buying mom a pot plant would be funny or highly inappropriate?
Last time we were that stoned we made a "everything you can fit in the blender" shake. Didn't end well..
The shit I just took was four, very distinct colors. Jager night was a success
Ummm, my mojito just spilled on 2 essays as I'm grading. Who says high schoolers have all the fun?
fucked a girl in the dry storage closet at work. knocked over a whole rack of tomato paste and pinto beans. and also i really hope my manager doesn't review this footage from the security camera
That was the night I passed out and someone threw chicken at me. SORRY I wasn't available to cockblock you from that Hispanic dude.
that is either the most profound and meaningful thing i've ever heard, or someone got high before noon again.
There are regrets.. and there are RAGRETS
It's his. I know, I'm pregnant with a genetic douche bag but at least he'll be pretty!
It went from a "chill game of beer pong" to "absinthe body shots and a tits parade" in literally two minutes.
Told you inviting her was a good idea.
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