So I was talking to her on the phone last night and had to mute it so I could take a crap.
Side Note: My mute button doesn't work.
swears the blind dude on this train is faking. Every day he stumbles and falls into a different girl's lap and then has to grab her tits to steady himself.
I negotiated the purchase of an entire tray of like 50 jello shots for $8.
this study room smells like vodka
the study room thinks the same about you
Rubbed one out while on hold to buy tickets to Disneyland. Feel simultaneously like a freak and strangely productive.
I've decided the third guy that I slept with is who I lost my virginity to...
Tiny.
I mean tony. It's like autocorrect knows he wasn't well endowed.
I found a half composed text to you this morning and all it said was HELP M. Is that how I ended up at the bottom of the stairwell in only a tee-shirt and one heel?
considering I never received the text I would go with 'yes'.
MY BRAIN IS OSCILLATING. DOES THAT EVEN MAKE SENSE
Six words: 3rd Degree Burn On My Dick
facebook is just a cold reminder of all the times other bitches won my hookups
At a point I was just cumming dust last night
Just checking to make sure you weren't kidnapped, pregnant or watching Fox News.
Yeah I would come and meet you but there's 3 polish girls yelling at a drunk polish guy in the carpark outside. They just dumped a whole pizza over his head and I want to see where this ends...
My bail money is reserved for people I either A, think were in the right, or B, have an awesome story that leads up to needing it. Just remember that before you call me.
Randomize
