filled out health questionnaire for lower premiums a little bit too honestly. Literally got assigned a life coach.
i love that we sang a whole new world together while you carried me through campus
you said grace in the diner. 5am, drunk, grace. you thanked the man w the mushroom cut for the wonderful supply of screwdrivers
only 75% of american men are circumcised...i guess this was bound to happen to me someday.
Have you been tested recently?
Well I got my shots when I was a baby so I think I'm immune
We left an ass print on the piano.
i proceeded to stick my hands in his pants while he continued to repeat i have a girlfriend
The sad part is that if I don't get a random pic of your balls or ass or both every month, I start to worry that we're not friends anymore
Do you think if 10 year old us knew that we would be passing out in a McDonalds after a hefty night of drinking, and 23 McChickens, they'd change anything?
First thing I find in the car I just pick up from my grandpa? A discount card for the strip club down the road from his apartment. The force is still strong.
Never has jello made me angry to the point of drinking. But here I am.
I'm sure if Robin Williams was still with us he would want you to see boobs.
I have more important things to worry about than you drowning your cheerios in tequila.
i could have got laid, but instead, i threw up in her hair. you can cross that off the bucket list.
Holy shit he’s stupid hot! If you don’t hurry up and make a move my ovaries are going to march over there and introduce themselves
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