you kept running across the street. everytime you made it across successfully you took something off. can't believe there were no cops around...
oh thats it?
Im dancing with my grandma to Low right now at the wedding. There's no coming back from this.
quitting drinking is the number 5 new years resolution but number 4 is enjoying life more which one do you think im going to pick
I had to go to the front counter of the restaurant and ask for the key because I was "pretty sure my friend is passed out in the bathroom right now"
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
She always acts like she's doing me a favor with a hand job. I've been giving myself hand jobs for almost 20 years.
So it turns out my dad calls his penis "John" which means he either named me after his penis or his penis after me
She fell out the car soaking wet and screaming "im wearing a fedora!" then tryed to seduce him on the front lawn in front of his middle aged neighbor
Sorry you called when I was puking in a cheetos bag
honestly, i just want you to have sex with him too so that you can fully understand my appreciation of his dick as well.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Haha I'm surprised I didn't see you I was drunkenly buying $70 in merchandise including a vibrating cock ring at that cvs around that time
The Medal of Honor you banged could be at the inauguration today. You really dropped the ball on keeping up with that one.
Wouldn't life be so much easier if you could just walk up to attractive men and say, "Let me bear your children" and it wouldn't be creepy?
Or possibly end in a restraining order?
No, it's cool, I just bounced from the hospital. I was...talking to a security guard, maybe?
As a rule...I don't sleep with my friends or watch movies with talking dogs
Remember that time you puked in the middle of wendy's?
Yeah, why?
The staff still remembers me for cleaning it up. Thanks for the free frosty and fries
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