He said he only talked to me because I talk dirty in bed.
He is drunkenly eating my teddy grahms and making little growling noises as he bites the head off of each one.
have you seen my purse? i cant find it and my ipod is in there and that shit totally cost more than my abortion.
I woke up naked dangling by my feet from the balcony over his foyer. He's officially my new favorite booty call.
Want to come over? I'm getting stoned and watching Netflix and making s'mores over a candle in my room
no. i discovered the *exact* amount of drugs i need to do to understand calculus.
You can't Tinder AND have him bring you icecream in the same night. It messes with your vagina.
His 12 year old sister has bigger boobs than me and now that's all I can think about when we have sex
I walked out and he was covered in jelly, slithering around the floor. I don't know how to process that.
I just masterbated to the Lets Get Ready To Rumble theme
It's time you knew: I have been dating your probation officer for 7 months. Pretty certain he's THE ONE. So, thanks for being a criminal.
So our night ended with 6 cruisers, a fire truck, and an ambulance. Also, lots of blood. How was yours?
he just asked me that if he was a penguin and I was a penguin if I would fuck him
Sometimes I wish I could tell all my past/present hookups what the nicknames that my friends and I have assigned them.
I just made deviled eggs for everyone not passed out. Im officially becoming a drunk chef.
Randomize
