I was taking a piss and started puking. I pissed myself and made a mess in the bathroom. Passed out, then got up and went back out from 11pm to 5am.
I changed 4 diapers and slept horribly in our hot apt. Now, I'm at my inlaws house watching the Rangers get pummeled. Oh how our lives differ.
don't bother texting me at 10. my pants WILL be off and I'm not putting them back on to come see you.
No, I don't think Michelle is a squirter. And if I've had anal sex, the Obamas have.
Professor used "ROFL" while grading my paper... Do I even go to a real college?
wait a second... your telling me you want me to take you to the bank at 10 on a tuesday so you can buy a blow up pool and fill it with beer?
yes... and buy you lunch
Should I mail that cop his nightstick or just throw it away?
Remember when I said "no boyfriend, no problems"? I lied. Tequila. Tequila is a problem.
You've never even broken a bone. You singlehandedly disprove natural selection
Pierced my own nipple last night, and yes everyone did go absolutely nuts
There a special place in hell for drunk criers. A special FUCKING PLACE
Some old chick is rubbing my thigh and saying she needs some Memorial Day dick. Her teeth are kind of gross but I'm going for it.
Apparently when it was last call I jumped up on the bar and told everyone to get the fuck out, which was immediately followed by a round of applause from the bouncers/bartenders and my tab getting paid as well.
After we hooked up he started to cry and called his mom and told her he wanted to marry me
Vodka Red Bull is like your spinach if you were Popeye
Oh god theyre drunkenly throwing knifes now, definitely the best movie I've worked on
Randomize
