I just walked into the kitchen and my dad was having this uber serious convo
With himself
my mom heard me say 'don't squirt that at me' while me & him were in my room. She then decided to call my aunt and complain to her that she has the sluttiest daughter in town. she refused to believe me when i told her i was talking about gel.
I'm with your mom on this one.
why does he think he needs to feed/take me out to get some ass? we are at a bar wasting my fucking time
you broke into my aparment at three in the morning wearing long johns and offered me beer.
Here's an idea...how about I take shots by myself and drunk dial you around noon?
It was like a little tadpole swimming in the big ocean.
this is getting really bad. i thought the chandelier in the dining room was one of those claws from the claw games in an arcade and i spent the past five minutes jumping left to right so the claw wouldn't grab me
I can't be 100% sure of this but I think tonight was the first time I told a middle aged woman holding a baby to go fuck herself
this is terrible I feel like i'm trapped in a cage with a wild republican
You were too drunk yesterday to deal with me crying so I am too drunk to deal with logic.
Naked chocolate chip pancake making. I just spilled mix all over the place. My boobs are covered in flour. This is not going well.
Why isn't there a super hero that comes to the aide of really high kids when they kill their car battery?
When I watch porn and jerk off like 95% of the time Iron Chef is on in the background...
I do NOT want my proposal story to start "...he was peeing on me and then..."
this is a mass text: the cage has been opened. repeat, the cage has been opened. a search party will be organized. you are all sloppy bitches. that is all.
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