Asian hipster sighting. About to tackle him and ask him to take me to chinatown
Someone should tell Glenda that I only hang with her because she makes me look prettier.
I bought beer tonight and got 3 coupons with my receipt. Paper towels, laundry detergent, and Advil. I wonder if Stop & Shop predicts the future or just does this with every beer purchase.
i realized i had a pad on before i went to this guys house so i stuck it in his neighbors shrub.
We just found a handle of vodka in our fridge and no one knows how it got there. God I love spring break.
Her life is proof that being a drunken slut will get you places.
1. Are there men involved 2. Is there food involved 3. Do I have to put pants on 4. Do I have to leave this bed
And then we made hashbrowns with vodka and queso.
You invited the cop in for a "Celebrity shot"
I set up her keyboard so that no matter what she does, it will open up RedTube. Click and command Q all you like, its going to porn. No I play the waiting game
Playing nyquil pong with a cat again
I'm very impressed by your ability to explain a story about your fiery snatch solely in emojis. props.
i was so high when i left this morning that rather than make sandwiches i threw bread and peanut butter in my backpack. a whole loaf. and a whole jar
He went down on me and then made me breakfast in bed. He's a man you can bring home to mom.
Im so unlucky if I fell in a barrel of dicks, I'd come our sucking my thumb
Randomize
