Mmmm, vodka for breakfast
if you google earth my address you can see me getting out of my car. finally my moment of being famous
just cuze she's 16 doesn't mean it's illegal to add her on facebook
he just looked at me and whispered "these are my sea lions. my sea lions." and then went back to licking the mirror
Dude... there's chunks of hair all over the floor, and no one knows how they got there. You guys just made out right?
Just got a picture message from my sister of the two of us wearing cowboy hats and pressing our bare asses together. Do you remember enough to explain?
dude he passed out in the strip club on his birthday, WHILE he was getting a lap dance. That drunk.
Jesus these cramps...it's like every potential fetus I swallowed last night is personally punching me in the uterus
In sex ed. they really need to include a lesson on saying tampon in foreign languages, just in case.... Trying to ask the woman at the reception desk, who barely speaks English, for one just turned into an awkward game of charades.
Just got a message from a drag queen on okcupid. I cant even catfish successfully.
Does it still count as a valentine if it's drunk phone sex at 3 in the morning
i asked him to talk to me in french while we fucked and halfway through i caught the word 'lasagna'. turns out he was making his grocery list.....i asked him to keep going.
he threw his shirt and suit jacket out the window of the uber going home
I found a 9 minute video on my phone of you singing into an eggplant.
He eats kale on the regular. Do I look like a bitch that wants to eat kale. No. Give me some Boston market.
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