Tell me exactly where it said it wasn't a unisex bathroom.
this is ridiculous... i look like a white version of MC Hammer...
In America we eat man semen.
The Ukrainian kid just told me that our econ professor wants to bone me. Please tell me that phrase means something different in Eastern Europe.
the bouncer watched the girl drop her ID, saw me pick it up and say OMG SHE LOOKS LIKE ME, and then let me use it to get into the bar
i can now proudly say that ive peed off of a balcony overlooking the pacific ocean AND a balcony overlooking the atlantic ocean
I found out his name. Apparently we sat in the shower together and flooded the bathroom.
New low: falling asleep with my face in the toilet only to be awoken when my hand slid down and touched the water. It's moments like these I wish I could forget.
Just to be clear, the only reason you're allowed to scream "COCKTAIL SERVANT" at bartenders is because you have nice tits
This dudes playing guitar and singing outside our window and he's like "ravioli is beterrrrrrr than tortelliniIii cause tortelliniiii is shaped like fucking ears"
Phone keeps correcting good morning to "food moaning" and I like the way it thinks.
we will now reference it as "the infamous double dick night"
New goal find someone I love enough to use these Japanese pancake flavored condoms on
Looks like a sea otter shaved my vagina. Keep an eye out for me this weekend, no one can see this.
Yeah well I fucked my ex on a sink last night soooo booty calls for us all
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