mondays should just be called national damage control day
She wants out first dance to be to 98 degrees i do cherish you...remember how i said we didn't need open bar....
We woke up, fucked twice, she drank 3 warm heinekins to cure her hangover and said "Im glad you're still hott when im sober"
She's like the Michael Jordan of alcoholism
Just spiked the bong with a ludens cough drop with hopes it soothes my throat after i rip it.
Driving to get a preg test with my ex, wearing my unicorn hat
You are so not ready for motherhood
Why can't it ever be the normal ones that stalk me?
Haha, apparently they frown upon male strippers there. Bouncers couldn't catch me tho.
You BETTER NOT STEAL MY MOTHERFUCKING SQUIRREL
You took my underwater blowjob virginity.
You invited the cop in for a "Celebrity shot"
If she gets mad at me, that only means more free time for me. I like to put myself I win win situations. Despite being in a relationship, I still find ways to accomplish my goals.
Let's just say it was like a porno version of Aladdin....
I just stood beside an Amish man and bought Cocoa Krispies and tampons.
There's wine in the fridge here. You could leave school and we could get day drunk.
That's my favorite drunk.
Randomize
