he pushed my hair back because he said it made me look like kelly kapowski and he told me to call him zach
So thanks to the xanax and vodka memory erasering combo i wake up only to reopen a picture of some very familiar balls
My piss changed color midstream. Think that means I have a 50/50 chance of passing the test?
my mom used to put diet coke in my bottle. i can pretty much handle anything.
i have one question about last night
if this is about your fridge being filled with hotdogs, sour cream, and PB&J open-faced sandwiches, i can explain
I'm not sure which is more depressing, the fact that the hospital is making me put together a living will before surgery, or that all i'll be leaving behind is 25k in student loan debt
you were feeling the wall and when we asked you why, you just said "because I want to know who lived here before"
Well I guess I'll go shower now and wash all the stripper off.
There was a point where you were singing "Friends in Low Places" to yourself while Juicy J was playing so I got worried.
This girl just said she was late for class because she was having sex.
Saw the Peanut butter guy at checkout he had at least 30 containers of it and like 6 different kinds...
I think I just found my soul mate...he's wearing a zebra striped onesie and is into Michael Jackson...I'll explain in the morning.
my alarm on my phone broke at the bar sooo i had to sleep with someone so i'd wake up on time for work.
I just thought you should know... Instead of a glass of wine before bed I am having a few shots of 1800. This is what being a night shift nurse will do to you... Standing in your kitchen in your undies doing shots
About that photo of the cake you just sent. You do realize it’s on a glass table, right? We can all see your reflection in it, and you’re very obviously naked.
Randomize
