Really? You have stories that rival having a threesome with the two best friends of the guy your kinda seeing? Thats impressive.
I'm drinking keystone with a homeless man I found. It's making me feel uncomfortable.
we saw a llama on the side of the road. That's when we knew everything was going to be alright.
the kid next to me in training is drinking sangria. its 9am here in case you couldnt calculate. its going to be a good year.
Just woke up to find myself cooking eggs on the imaginary stove in my room.
I'm still not a hundred percent.. I haven't shit anything solid in two days.. I have pulled my puker muscles and I can't take deep breaths cuz of other unidentified muscles/maybe heart attack
Exactly. Because my vagina can't be consoled with words. It requires a thicker form of communication
We tried to break her futon, I crushed my balls instead. You have one less reason to be jealous that my balls are insanely huge and yours are not.
I want to get business cards and hand them to hot guys and say " hey if you ever want to like makeout and pretend it never happened call me"
On a scale from 1 to the worst weekend of my life, that was an 11. I can see again, though.
Karaoke machines out. We're taking turns farting into the microphone. Shits going south fast. Definitely be awake when you get home.
I couldn't really understand you because you were really quiet and I said "I don't know what you're saying, it's kind of a big mumble" and you said "that sums up my life"
Apparently I'm some kind of sexual camel.
She's not allowed to do acid anymore... she started crying because she thought she was an eagle.
are you comparing glasses to pregnancy
Randomize
