How the fuck did you go into work today? You are a better man than I. I couldn't even show up to being unemployed on time.
Why do I always give away anal sex as birthday presents?
Shut up... one mans birthday cake is another mans sodomy my friend
Bubblewrap condoms. We can steal Ziplock's new slogan. Protection you can hear.
Ok. In one sink is a hairdrier. Still plugged in. The other is filled with broken glass. What do I do?!
Nvm. Bloody hand trumps dead. Also, where is gauze.
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As I was brushing his cum out of my hair he looks at me and says "it happens to me all the time."
I tried to talk to him, but he didn't recognize me at first. I had to show him the top of my head and then he remembered.
Yeah but then I feel like it's worth it like bro you just stabbed me the least you can do is get me a fuckin otter pop.
I have to have sex on a bidet. I'm not sure what kind, but it's reason #4 for an Italian vacation!
I just remembered that you tried to trade me for a glass of wine
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I mean I only got hit in the ass with ONE firework
He made a deal with his real estate agent called fucking in 50 properties for sale
I'm sobbing to NWA
I HAVE TOO MICH DICK TALKING TO ME IDK WHAT TO DO.
I'm not kidding, he literally jumped in the red panda exhibit. I knew this was gonna be a good birthday.
I just realized that this is the first time I've ever seen your mom without sucking your cock.
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