Remember back in the day when getting fingered in the movie theater was the best thing ever?
He told me to pretend to be a shark, and he would slay me with his harpoon cock.
i woke up to my roomate hitting me in the head with a can of PBR at 8:30 in the morning...i love spring break
they won't let me drive with my sombrero
I wasn't sure how he was going to followup "so,i shot myself.." i guess "w a nail gun" is the best choice out of what I expected
It's supposed to be a shit show, it's an end of the world party.
We had half a pitcher of beer left and he asked us if we wanted a to-go cup. Fuck yeah we want it to-go.
Is "I am going to murder you if you keep sending me requests that I cannot fulfill" unprofesh?
Overall a good night - broke my toe giving that cop a blowjob though...so there's that...
I'm sorry you're hurting. Would a picture or my erect penis help?
I'm sorry for what I said when I was orgasming
1 fuck you 2 fuck her 3 ur forgiven 4 im breaking up with her
Typically a man doesn't buy a woman a drink in hopes of her laughing at his penis, but no one said I was normal.
its a comptetion of fuckups and im HERE TO WIN
Also—I just realized that your wedding gift is still on my dining room table. So...as awful as I am for not yet sending it (and I still need your address), at least I didn’t bring my screaming children to potentially the most important day of your life?
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