You can spell. I can kill people with no remorse. We all have our skills.
Just got a orange juice for my grandma, put gin in it without thinking. She's having a good morning.
Don't judge me. It was less weird than it sounds when we were in the moment and it was his birthday
I have shoes on. No pants. And my jacket pockets are full of ketchup and grass. Yes. Good night.
He wouldnt stop screaming that he wanted a trashcan WITH a lid. Whats so necassary about a lid
yea i thought the egg drop soup tasted weirdly like cum, and then i suddenly remembered what happened last night.
i'm never eating chinese again.
Dude Eric's high and buying everyone taquitos. How much room do we have in the freezer?
Everyone at work loved my story about sobering up in a river with no bra on.
I knew you were blacked out when you started refusing beer.
I told my grandmother all I want is a nice guy who likes to be tied up.
NO TEQUILA
Why do I always think it's a good idea? Like a challenge? Shit maybe I should CHALLEGE myself to get laid for once instead
I've started budgeting for next year. It looks like I'll be crying tears of dollar bills and handing them over to pay back my unholy college debt.
When i said i was brazilian i swear to god he started to tear up
My Tinder date from last night is my Uber driver for tonight's Tinder date...neither of us said a word.
How drunk you think somebody has to be, that they think that putting out a profile pic like that can be even a slightly good idea?
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