I saw hookers! I saw hookers! I saw hookers! I saw hookers! I saw hookers! I saw hookers! Live in the flesh!
I'm lit.While shaving my legs I pretended the razor was a tractor cutting down corn. Noises included.
I'm beginning to think I'm sterile because I definitely should be pregnant by now.
I just stole a cupcake from somebody's bottle service
And I got $4 when somebody made it rain.
I kinda wanna eat your hands right now.
Put down the everclear and go to bed.
So I got hit in the face with a frying pan. So def wont be at work for first break if I'm there at all
I set up her keyboard so that no matter what she does, it will open up RedTube. Click and command Q all you like, its going to porn. No I play the waiting game
You know you're a heffer when you discover chocolate frosting on your smoking apparatus
and then you called me a third time and yelled that you were stealing a puppy named Willow
Im including "no monologues past 1am" in the list of apartment rules. Theatre majors dude.
He told me I had smoking hot areolas then he wins an executive of the year award. How does that even happen?
Are ropes allowed in during conjugals?
He told me he felt the only proper thing to do was fuck me to the top of the corporate ladder
It occurred to me today, whilst I was on the phone to boyfriend number 1, whilst in the car with boyfriend number 2 who was dropping me at the shops to meet boyfriend number 3 to help me buy a present for boyfriend number 4 that I should be having much more sex than I am.
Someone sitting next to me at this football game is totally eating chicken nuggets out of his pocket and drinking four loko. I wanna be him.
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