is this the only place in the world where you can get shot on one side of town, and have to stop for cows crossing the street on the other side?
My parents just checked my browsing history and now think I'm addicted to porn and am a necrophiliac. 1: I know it was you. 2: You're so dumped, that shit is sick.
he actually proposed, and i threw up on him...i guess 5 glasses of wine was a bad idea.
you hid your keys in a box of lucky charms because drunk you was apparently going to eat them for breakfast...
Her brother is deaf.
no wonder she was so good with her hands
My glasses are somewhere in your living room. Also, my underwear might be in your bathroom or on or around your porch. Sorry.
I was cut off by 8, I need to rethink this breakup therapy strategy
Please just tell me how ugly she was so I can bask in the diminishingly small reassurance that might give me
best friends dont let best friends get an STD of the eyeball just saying
Aren't you proud to know somebody who texts you "manifold facade" while dumping frozen colada mix into a blender of rum
Nevermind, there are three drinks waiting at the bar for me. I cannot disappoint this alcohol.
She touched my penis and started laughing. She did the same thing when she blew me.
she started chasing me through the forest like a horny serial killer
Well I can cross 'get my dick slathered in coconut oil while watching the bob's burgers porn parody' off my bucket list.
Sorry I twat blocked you earlier I didn't know Sam was over. But, my house my rules, I don't have to knock before I enter. I did see naked butts and smelt "Sex Stank" in the air, we're going to have to set some ground rules when I get home. Hugs and kisses..Mom
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