i can't put facebook on my resume under hobbies.
Life is so much better after having sex.
he like comes into my room and is like..."can you fix my pants" and then just drops trou
I feel like my vagina stays drunk longer than the rest of me. It's always super sensitive and hungry the day after drinking.
My autobiography is now tentatively titled "I'm Fucking the DJ, and Other Ways to Party for Cheap"
Some girl, somewhere, is going to wake up with my face paint on her vagina
Sometimes I look at the people in school that are obviously very diligent and on top of their studies, and then I wonder why they don't smoke weed.
I don't have to hold her hair back as she blows me but I do have to hold the ball on the Santa hat
And literally 4loko margaritas are callin my name. They're like "Hey girl come on over here I'll make you forget about grades and boys and it'll be a good idea to send everyone 55 snapchats of your cleavage" ok
He says we're "annoying" but that's an odd word to describe a couple of heroic liquor saiyans
Well I just found a coupon for cheese in the bathroom so I've got that going for me
He said he wanted to sit next to the fountain so he could "watch the water hit the other water".
I'm ordering sushi and crying over finals. Come over and bring wine.
Hey I need you to run the morning meeting, for reasons I can explain when I find out where I left my car
On a scale of one to 10 how Risky is it to sleep with a married man (all morals set aside)
Randomize
