Stuck behind a lady in her 70's purchasing a plastic handle of vodka and nothing else. She is writing a check. Hello future.
Just woke up. I have a "Detective Jacob Arnold's" business card in my pocket.
He said he wanted to have kids with me so they could grow up to be professional linebackers. Not. A. Complient.
By the way, i got bored and just started putting my balls on every object in your room. One at a time.
... Already stepped in vomit and got a dirty look from a fat in a neck brace
Dude it was a mini horse. It obviously only eats mini things.
I just opened my filing cabinet at work for the first time in months. It looks just like my pantry: nothing but peanut butter and whiskey.
Let's get really high and wear fake mustaches and try not to laugh at each other...
Can you explain the plethora of sunflower seeds in the dryer?
You Just stopped dancing, looked at me and said "I'm gonna make it rain" Then shook the open box of crunch berries everywhere.
Dude. Stop sending me lines from Hungry Like the Wolf
She's throwing herself an "I just had a baby" shower, where she makes up for 9 months of sobriety then squeezing a watermelon out of her vagina.
I was basically just fingering myself and thinking about space.
He just showed up at my house with a giant box of Trojans and a 6-pack of Yoohoo "for a special treat afterwards". I'm in love.
So my furniture is upside-down, two lamps are glued to the ceiling, and there is a kitten sleeping on Kyle's face. Please tell me what happened last night....
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