i woke up to 115 texts from him all saying "do you love me??"
i called him pencil dick in front of over half of his fraternity brothers...
...never gotten so many high fives in my life! fuck ya i win!
I just won 10 dollars from out chugging the bar tender and I found out that the baby aint mine in the last hour. I don't even care if l get laid tonight any more.
His penis was definitely too big to be the type that wants commitment. Shit.
Plotting your own moral demise should not be this fun
The girl behind me in psych just tapped me on my shoulder to tell me there was a condom wrapper in my hood.
I think I reached optimum potential when I summersaulted straight into a kiddie pool.
No, earlier you attempted Jenga with everyones shoes.
Hey I have your shoes. Do you remember shouting "Police brutality!" when the bouncer was kicking you out last night?
I told you, we're just gonna get ripped and light sparklers
New drink: empty coke can vodka water maple syrup. Get on my level
The best part about daylight savings time this weekend is we get an extra hour to be fucked up.
Crust to egg proportion prescribes to a pedantic form of quiche. It's like saying breakfast pizza isn't pizza at all.
THIS IS SO HOT. BYE PANTIES.
How did you get so drunk?
Alcohol.
My vagina is the only part of me that is pleased you lived through last night.
Randomize
