My grandmother just called to say she disowned me. Apparently I uploaded a video to Youtube of me dancing nude with a blow-up doll named Dorothy, last night. You are so fired from being damage control.
I love when I'm alone in the house. It's like pants were never invented.
If I'm gonna go to jail I'm gonna be wearing a poncho
I just found a bag of teeth...
His sombrero wouldn't fit in the car and I had to buy him some Jack to make him stop bitching. You owe me
I should not be in class today. For the professors sake.
Why yes actually, getting stoned and reading an AARP magazine IS totally where I wanted my night to end!
My only regret is that I have but one penis to give to your vagina.
He had a joint rolled for us when he picked me up. It's how ASU does romance
He's not replying to my booty call. Like wtf. You have ONE PURPOSE IN LIFE.
Last night you said you were going to stop drinking and then proceeded to dip cookies in your vodka.
Sadly that explains a lot.
I'm going to write a horror movie. It's going to be called "Fat People on a Squeaky Bed" and it's going to feature me laying in bed last night listening to my overweight roommate and her fat boyfriend tossing and turning all night
We get drunk and make out in different places. Is that what love is?
Im gonna go for the gay guy. The ginger is freaking me out.
Is there a nice, calm way of telling your friend/housemate/former lover/person who does not reciprocate your feelings that your period is late?
Randomize
