shhh. i hid the ranch dip behind the rooster. don't tell anyone that way you can find it in the morning and it won't be all eaten.
wrong number but thanks
you were carrying around a glass of vodka telling everyone it was Russian water
Yeah dude. Pulled out the couch and a bird flew at me. Please tell me who put a bird in my house.
Yeah I fingered her in the crowd and the dj saw it and gave me props over the speakers. I got so many high fives.
I dont know but I had two different hospital bands and half a pie when i woke up.
Instead of getting a taxi some gay black guy drove us home. He is trying to break into the taxi business
Way to promote small business.
Andy was trying to screw his door shut from the inside so no one could get in.
You said you were uncomfortable with your body and then you started making whale noises
I should never be allowed to dance around children at weddings. I think I just insured that a 4 year old will be a future teen mom.
I have to go buy generic plan b after work. I don't even leave for the new semester for another 11 days. I think I just leveled up in sluttiness
It was the needle in the haystack of teary, unpleasant handjobs.
Sometimes you just gotta get high and go to a planetarium. Why can't he understand that?
That moment when you're in a room with 3 guys and know how big their dicks are. Then you are married to the one with the smallest dick.
So I met one of her cousins last night. She recognized me as "the guy that's always in the liquor store", I may have a problem.
I spent half my night explaining that i'm in an open relationship to the guys that I liked, and the other half of the night explaining that I have a boyfriend to the guys that I didn't like.
Randomize
