I wish I had a dollar for every time I've slept off a late night I dont want to remember in my recliner.
He was so drunk that he tried to backflip off a baby chair.. How do you think that ended?
This is one of the fundamental differences between you and I. If I found meat in a plastic bag, I wouldn't put it in my mouth.
So, i took all the condoms from his nightstand, not in the crazy ex way, but in the I paid for them way.
They both invited me to family dinner Sunday. Secretly dating two sisters just got real.
The girl behind me in psych just tapped me on my shoulder to tell me there was a condom wrapper in my hood.
Thank god the bicycalist i hit was on drugs
My life is a joke. Told everyone last night that they could call me Mrs. McCormick because I'm gonna end up alone with a handle of peach vodka anyways.
I'm bored enough im considering taking up his offer to turn me straight just to kill time until the lasagna is out of the oven
do you think our homemade porn will pass for my cinematography final?
I apologize that you just fell victim to my random thought of how to make a blow job come to life via emojis.
She's the prison bitch to my Martha Stewart.
I like being woken up by phone calls of you sabotaging marriages
Neighbor is sitting on his porch looking like he made some terrible life decisions and I just want to be like "I drank half of a handle of peach vodka in a shed last night. I understand" but I think they're swingers so his night probs sucked more.
i just remembered i drunk watched the brave little toaster last night
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