I tried to pay my bar tab with my gym membership card. Twice.
If i could tip my vagina, i would.
it was almost as awkward as hearing my parents on friday nights in 2 in the morning starting, and than hearing at 2:01 my dad getting up and my mom going "i should have married a man"
I hate myself for saying your mom and I have the same friday nights.
don't worry... so do I
she was screaming in french about how classy it was to be drinking wine. oh... she was drinking it out of the bottle. with a beer in her other hand while throwing up.
I found your twin in sf. His name is ryan. And you are the evil one.
Tried to dry my shoes in the oven last night.
I'm not wearing underwear, I started my period this morning, and it's super windy. Recipe for disaster?
His ass WILL be my cock's next vacation home.
I wish I had a dick so I could say shit like that.
There's scrapes on the inside of both my thighs.. Because we wanted to get drunk and climb trees naked.
I just traded 5 cigarettes for a sandwich on they greyhound.You owe me 5 cigarettes. I told you I would get hungry.
I had a dream that my roommate walked in on me masturbating and I hissed "I'm not stopping this orgasm train for the likes of you" and just kept going
You licked my eyeball, you are officially cut off. If you just missed you can have a second chance on Friday.
Kick open the door, strike a pose, steal a boyfriend, end scene.
He kept screaming "I am the thunder!" when he was riding me.
Once again I let my vagina make the decisions...that and vodka :(
Randomize
