I cannot find my penis.
I thought he was gonna sex me but then he ran to my bathroom and jerked off
The trick is to not slur when purchasing the condoms at 3am
Just found out my mom tried to sue the birth control company when she got pregnant with me...love you too mom.
Just asked my dog if he was proud of me for making it home. That drunk.
we're going to drop off one of our cars at the police station tonight so we'll be able to drive home in the morning
Everyone is slow dancing to Aerosmith. I am serenading a slice of pizza.
I literally just got propositioned by a sugar daddy.
OUR DREAMS ARE BEING REALIZED. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
I thought he was being really sweet and protective when he pulled me away from the guy i was hooking up with, but turns out he just wanted me to get chicken nuggets with him...
She curled up in the corner, screamed "THE BLANKET IS SO WARM" and promptly passed out with her face in the dogbed. No one bothered to reposition her.
Bringing my cat to a booty call was not my finest hour
Me too...I'm driving to work trying to figure out if I put my pants on the right way.
Apparently I showed all your grooms men my vagina to prove I did not have underwear on. Awesome
Its like your face is a pile of corn and I'm a chicken
...What??
Do you remember what happened last night? All I could find we're phone numbers of strip clubs in Detroit. Did we go to Detroit?
Randomize
